


Babysitting Dirk's Wigglers

by Moonvein



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Children of Characters, M/M, Newborn Children
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:33:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22382626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonvein/pseuds/Moonvein
Summary: Dirk Strider has adopted two troll wigglers and intermittently asks his friends to babysit.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	Babysitting Dirk's Wigglers

The two decidedly not homosexual universe progenitors wait on the worse Strider’s porch, one of them with arms folded and preforming a scowl of the utmost solemn sobriety while the other antsily hops from foot to foot. It’s about 5 PM and the sun is high but lethargic.  
  
DAVE: ok ok one last time i swear  
DAVE: tell me about wigglers again  
DAVE: like do they bite or  
KARKAT: YES, THEY BITE.  
DAVE: do they do anything else  
KARKAT: NOT TO MY KNOWLEDGE.  
KARKAT: BOTH WIGGLERS AND HUMAN MEATWUMPS-  
DAVE: (man we talked about meatwumps and i still dont understand where it even came from like how did you pick that up)  
KARKAT: RIGHT. SORRY. BOTH WIGGLERS AND HUMAN FLESHWORM BABIES ARE REPRESENTED WITHIN CLASSIC ROMANTIC FICTION SOMEWHAT PARADOXICALLY AS BOTH A MESSY DISASTER AND THE DEATHKNELL OF ANY BUDDING RELATIONSHIP, AS WELL AS A HEARTWARMING BONDING EXPERIENCE AND THE SAVING GRACE OF ANY FAILING ONE DUE IN NO SMALL PART TO A SHARED AND MARKED TENDENCY TO TOOTH-BASED AFFECTION. DUE TO THE RARITY OF GRUB-RAISING AMONG TROLL-  
DAVE: jesus christ dude listen we need to make a good impression  
DAVE: please stop going apeshithive its not a great look  
DAVE: come on i mean were cooler than this  
  
Karkat is still info-dumping and Dave is still trying his absolute hardest to stop him when the door opens. There are two small wigglers in the man’s arms.  
  
DIRK: Hey. Thanks for coming on such short notice.  
  
Dave’s expression is just about as flabbergasted as a shades-clad coolkid can manage. Karkat is no less interested in the wigglers; the human and troll assuredly platonic life-partners are engrossed by the near-hatchlings, almost forgetting Dirk. Karkart starts up again.  
  
KARKAT: ...HEY, ARE THEY MUT-  
DIRK: Considering your own circumstances, Karkat, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt here.  
DIRK: Do not call my children “mutant” or you will not be seeing them again.  
DIRK: Rose knew I had been considering, so when two wigglers somewhere between olive and jade hatched and no lusus would take them, she gave me a call.  
DAVE: (oh shit theyre so tiny)  
DAVE: (lil tiny cowboys and romans  
DAVE: (ok theyre not that small but still)  
  
Dirk hands the jade-ish wiggler to what is essentially his brother, and the olive-ish wiggler to what is essentially his brother’s “platonic” life companion.  
  
DIRK: Keep them out of trouble. I’ve left toys on the floor and care manuals on the coffee table in the sitting area. I’ll be back in forty-five minutes.  
DAVE: sure bro dont worry well keep the wriggly lil bastards safe  
DAVE: damn theyre cute  
DAVE: kk check how small they are  
KARKAT: I AM AWARE OF THE FLAGRANT DEARTH OF SIZE ON DISPLAY HERE.  
DAVE: shits so glaringly miniscule  
KARKAT: IT IS PRETTY FUCKING UNCONSCIONABLE.  
DIRK: Please don’t swear in front of my kids.  
DAVE: aw hold up what how am i supposed to-  
  
Dirk pushes between the two without another word, leaving them alone on the porch with the wigglers.  
  
DAVE: hey wait did we get names  
The jade-leaning wiggler burbles happily, nuzzling up against Dave’s shoulder and pulsing softly. The olive-leaning wiggler pokes Karkat with all of its legs and tries very hard to bite him.  
  
???????: lluuuuurrbulurrlrr  
???????: CRRRK  
DAVE: oh my god i think im in love  
KARKAT: FRICK! OW! WE SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE THEM INSIDE!  
DAVE: cant we just like enjoy the moment right here  
DAVE: aww but look at her look she so happy  
???????: uuuubbrl  
  
Karkat is now holding the wiggler at arm’s length. Because the wiggler is entirely boneless, it is extremely easy for it to bite his wrist from the position.  
  
KARKAT: FFFFFFFFALRIGHT WE ARE GOING INSIDE NOW.  
  
The secondary Strider abode is dimly lit, and remarkably clean. There is a sinister-looking roomba amalgam mopping the tile flooring the entryway, complete with trademarked point red-orange anime shades. In a room ahead, the dim outlines of couches are visible; presumably, they are within the sitting room.  
  
DAVE: fuck hold on my eyes need to adjust  
KARKAT: DAVE, TAKE OFF YOUR FU- I MEAN- YOUR SUNGLASSES.  
DAVE: ugh shit right  
DAVE: didnt dirk open the door already wearing his  
DAVE: oh hey remember to take off your motherfucking shoes  
DAVE: wouldnt want his terrifying battlebot to have to come back through  
DAVE: look he even taped a kitchen knife to the top  
DAVE: i mean it still has the weird plastic sheath guard thing on it but still  
DAVE: its the thought that counts  
KARKAT: STRIDER, LANGUAGE.  
DAVE: right right  
???????: bbbllllrrrrbrbrbu  
DAVE: god fucking damnit cmere lil lady oh my god karkat can i give them kisses  
KARKAT: MAYBE YOU SHOULD READ THE NOOK-CHAFING CARE MANUAL BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING TO THE WIGGLERS OF A MAN WHO HAS LITERALLY CUT A METEOR IN HALF.  
DAVE: i feel like you could have made your point without bringing up my bro here guy also theres way more impressive shit under dirks belt i think  
KARKAT: I THINK CUTTING A GRUBBALL SPORTSDOME SIZED METEOR IN HALF IS A RELEVANT BENCHMARK FOR HOW ABSOLUTELY WASTED WE WILL BE IF WE FAIL TO FOLLOW DIRK’S PROTOCOL EXACTLY REGARDING THESE LITTLE MONSTERS.  
  
The two gingerly step over the melded multi-roomba, careful not to slip on the tile. Once seated upon the couches, each reaches for one of two manuals; Dave for the one titled “JADEITE”, and Karkat for the one titled “OLIVINE.” They’re exactly as dense and heavy as anything else written by Dirk, and if our two Knights had to hazard a guess, the content probably scans like a robotics textbook.  
  
DAVE: one sec let me take off my shades  
  
Karkat sets down the newly christened Olivine on the couch while Dave gingerly removes his sunglasses, and picks up his manual, opening to the table of contents.  
  
DAVE: do you think dirk has a lightswitch or is it one of those smart house type dealies i cant tell but its really fucking dark in here  
KARKAT: HOLD YOUR SHADOW-BASED YAMMERING THE FU-HECK UP AND LET ME READ THIS, IT’S GOING TO BE IMPORTANT, I CAN FEEL IT IN MY GOSH DARN BLOOD.  
  
Dedication..........................................................1  
Table of Contents...................................................2  
Introduction........................................................3  
Base Needs..........................................................7  
Policy on Gendering................................................18  
Olivine-Specific Needs.............................................23  
Emergency Contacts.................................................36  
Afterword..........................................................37  
Index..............................................................41  
  
The Knight of Blood turns to the Dedication, curiosity piqued by why Dirk would include something so unnecessarily formal in his forty-five minute infant care guide.

This book is dedicated to Olivine.  
Bite off Karkat’s toes, you precocious little bastard.  
I love you.

KARKAT: HM.  
DAVE: awww so is your name jadeite thats such a sweet lil name  
DAVE: are you named after jade i bet you are thats why youre so cute  
KARKAT: IT’S BECAUSE IT’S MORE JADE BLOODED THAN THE OTHER ONE, YOU ABSOLUTE FOOL, YOU INORDINATE CRETIN, YOU TOTAL BUFFOON. I'M ALMOST EMBARRASSED TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR EXISTENCE. IF I HAD TO HAZARD A GUESS, IT’S BECAUSE DIRK PREFERS HIGHLY PRACTICAL AND DESCRIPTIVE NAMES.  
KARKAT: THAT HONESTLY MAKES A LOT OF SENSE AND I’M PROUD OF HIM FOR DOING HIS BEST TO RESPECT TROLL CULTURE, BECAUSE UNLIKE YOUR BIZARRE SPECIES, WHEN WE COME OF AGE, WE SELECT NAMES FOR OURSELVES. IT’S AN ADMIRABLE COMPROMISE BETWEEN HIS PRACTICAL NEED TO REFER TO HIS CHILDREN AS THEIR CAREGIVER AND GUARDIAN AND THEIR INNATE AND CULTURAL NEED TO FORGE THEIR OWN IDENTITIES.  
JADEITE: bllb  
DAVE: holy shit  
DAVE: karkat are you hearing this im in awe  
JADEITE: blblllblblrrbuulrr  
DAVE: oh my GOD  
KARKAT: HMMMMMM. I STILL CAN’T FIND ANYTHING ABOUT KISSING. I’D REFRAIN IF I WERE Y- OLIVINE NO!  
DAVE: too late  
  
Dave leans down to give Jadeite a gentle kiss on their tiny forehead as Karkat attempts to extricate Olivine’s teeth from the couch cushion.  
  
KARKAT: FRICK! THAT CURSORY PERUSAL IS GOING TO HAVE TO BE SUFFICIENT, BECAUSE OLIVINE APPARENTLY NEEDS CONSTANT SUPERVISION.  
KARKAT: I WOULD BE WILLING TO BET REAL MONEY THAT IT SAID EXACTLY THAT IN THE “OLIVINE SPECIFIC NEEDS” SECTION OF THE CARE MANUAL, EVEN IF MONEY STILL HELD ANY SORT OF VALUE TO ANYBODY BUT CROCKER.  
KARKAT: HOLD ON. TAKE THE LITTLE MONSTER FOR A MINUTE.  
DAVE: oh ok  
  
Karkat shoves Olivine into Dave’s arms, and starts flipping through the “Olivine Specific Needs” chapter of the care manual until he sees the word “Alchemy”.  
  
Olivine can and will destroy anything they can get their hands on; they find the act of destruction particularly enriching. In addition, their teeth do not completely change with each molt, and chewing allows them to loosen them.  
Do not panic when Olivine shreds my possessions; there is a fully realized alchemy setup in the basement. I have included a number codes for objects Olivine is likely to destroy below. If trips downstairs start to become a problem, you can hide tiny chunks of raw meat inside their toys to get them interested in those instead.  
  
KARKAT: OH THANK GOD. HE’S GOT A FLUFF POD CODE IN HERE.  
DAVE: dude couldnt you have just captchad the other cushion  
DAVE: also check it were playing  
  
Dave has wrapped his hand in a sock, and is tugging it against Olivine’s vicelike grip.  


KARKAT: DIRK’S WIGGLER TOME SAYS NOT TO LET HER BITE YOU SO PROBABLY USE A TOY BUT THAT’S CUTE. I’LL BE RIGHT BACK.  
OLIVINE: RRRRRRKKKKRKGRRRR  
DAVE: you are just the tiniest sweetest little monster in the world arent you  
  
Karkat heads down the stairs, to find a space that is both significantly more well-lit and significantly more dangerous. The ground is cluttered with unbelievably shitty swords, half-finished robots, and rap albums, but there is a fine layer of dust over most of it.  
  
KARKAT: WE SHOULD PROBABLY OFFER TO DO THIS MORE OFTEN. DOESN’T LOOK LIKE THE GUY GETS A LOT OF TIME TO HIMSELF DOWN HERE.  
KARKAT: THAT’S PROBABLY NOT GREAT FOR HIM, AS I RECALL HE’S A HARD DUDE THAT VALUES HIS ALONE TIME.  
KARKAT: I WONDER IF RAISING ALIEN CHILDREN WAS THE BEST CHOICE FOR HIM.  
DAVE: dude i cant hear you were still upstairs  
DAVE: ow shit  
KARKAT: RIGHT.  
  
Karkat moves for the alchemy setup in the back of the basement, alchemizes the cushion, and heads back upstairs. He finds Dave with one hand bandaged and using a toy to play with Olivine while Jadeite continues to burble in his lap.  
  
JADEITE: buubolrr  
DAVE: hey welcome back  
DAVE: turns out shes stronger than socks  
OLIVINE: KRRRR  
DAVE: i know ollie i love you too  
KARKAT: I SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE HER BACK BEFORE YOU LOSE A FINGER.  
KARKAT: LET ME REPLACE THE QUADRANGULAR FLUFF POD FIRST THOUGH.  
DAVE: sometimes i still think youre fucking with me when you say shit like that kk  
KARKAT: STRIDER, LANGUAGE.  
DAVE: goddamnit  
DAVE: sorry ollie sorry jade jr  
DAVE: its just you get into the zone and shit flows like soft serve out of a unicorns asshole  
DAVE: drips like butter off a deep fried steak  
DAVE: you get it right kids  
JADEITE: bblrrboo!  
DAVE: see they get it  
DAVE: remember kids  
DAVE: snitching is for cops  
DAVE: and yall are so much cooler than cops  
KARKAT: FLAGRANT DISRESPECT OF AUTHORITY ASIDE, THAT FIRST METAPHOR WAS PROBABLY OFF LIMITS.  
KARKAT: THE SECOND ONE WAS FINE, IF NAUSEATING.  
DAVE: for all of your studies of human culture have you never encountered the concept of chicken fried steak my man  
DAVE: its horrible in all the best ways  
DAVE: you take a perfectly good cut of meat and then you fry it like chicken its so trashy and good  
DAVE: you eat it with ketchup or like any other trashy tomato paste but ketchup is the best for it  
DAVE: lets you revel in how dirty youve just done this poor steer  
DAVE: and then you bite in expecting to be greeted with the approximate taste of chicken but no  
DAVE: nothing but betrayal in the form of a sad gray lump and breadcrumbs  
DAVE: the double crossing rivaling the tragic betrayal of the museum by dick van dyke  
DAVE: head security guard running off with all the precious artifacts of flavor  
DAVE: leaving you with a miserable cut lightly rolled in fat and yeast  
DAVE: dude after this we have got to get you some fried steak  
JADEITE: bluuulubrrr  
DAVE: see i bet jade jr wants a fried buttersteak  
KARKAT: WHY WOULD I EVER EAT YOUR FLAVORLESS, OIL-BASED HUMAN CUISINE. IT’S A WASTE OF A PERFECTLY GOOD HAUNCH LOAF IS WHAT IT IS.  
KARKAT: AND EVEN IF WE DID I WOULD NOT BE ADDING CHURNED MILK.  
KARKAT: ANYWAY COME ON, HAND OLIVINE BACK  
DAVE: aw ok  
DAVE: only cuz she tried to bite me again  
OLIVINE: KRRRRKKKKC  
KARKAT: I THINK THAT’S JUST HOW THEY SAY HELLO.  
KARKAT: BESIDES THEIR WEIRD GUTTURAL GROWLING.  
OLIVINE: KRRRRRKRRRK  
KARKAT: THANK YOU FOR THE EXAMPLE OLIVINE, HERE, YOU CAN HAVE THE QUADRANGLE FLUFF POD YOU WERE TEARING UP BACK.  
OLIVINE: SKKKSKSKSKS  
DAVE: damn shes really goin at it huh  
KARKAT: LANGUAGE, STRIDER!  
DAVE: ugh i know  
KARKAT: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY OPEN UP YOUR MANUAL, YOU KNOW, GET SOME CONTEXT ON HOW TO HOLD AND CARE FOR THIS TINY CREATURE THAT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.  
DAVE: how am i supposed to peruse any sort of tome when she keeps tapping at my hand with her little legs though  
DAVE: like what am i supposed to do just not wiggle my fingers  
DAVE: dont be absurd karkat come on  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
DAVE: ugh fine but if jade jr does something cute and i miss it cause im ass deep in orange text its your fault  
DAVE: jaystri can you believe him  
JADEITE: brbblbrr  
DAVE: i know right  
  
Dave holds Jadeite with one arm as he opens up to the very first page of his personalized manual, and does a liquidless spit-take.  


This book is dedicated to Jadeite.  
You’ll be spittin’ some delirious biznasty in no time, despite Dave’s influence.  
I love you.

DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: the absolute mad lad  
DAVE: hey jay wanna learn how to rap  
JADEITE: bbblrrrrrrlrbl  
KARKAT: DAVE, THAT IS A WIGGLER.  
DAVE: i dont know man sounds like shes all about learning how to let the verbal pulse in her brains spill out her veins we dont need to explain  
JADEITE: lrbblrrlrbll  
KARKAT: WIGGLER TOME FIRST, SICK RHYMES AFTER.  
DAVE: idk man sounds like you just want to shaft her  
DAVE: future as a beat machine  
DAVE: but shes cool as commander keen  
DAVE: still got it  
KARKAT: MRRGHHH ENOUGH.  
  
Karkat picks up the pillow that is currently attached to Olivine to keep them from wriggling off, and then pushes the manual directly into Dave’s face.  
  
KARKAT: READ THE FUCKING BOOK, DAVID STRIDER.  
DAVE: oh my god man you promised never to call me that weve been over this like a dozen times  
DAVE: (language karkat)  
KARKAT: I CANNOT STRESS HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS TO THE FUTURE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DIRK AND ALSO OUR CONTINUED CONTACT WITH THESE UNEXPECTEDLY ADORABLE LITTLE HORRORS. DON’T SCREW THIS UP.  
DAVE: fine youre right  
  
After glazing over the table of contents, Dave idly sets Jadeite onto his lap and thumbs through a couple of pages until something catches his eye.  
  
Blah, blah, regular feeding, nap schedules, blah blah blah, explicit noncombat-zones, blither, dither, so listen, Dave, DAVE, do I have your fuckin’ attention yet? Good, ok so I know you’re not going to read through the manuals at all, probably starting after this paragraph is finished, so I’m gonna put in as many references to whatever Ben Stiller (God rest his rebellious soul) movie you’ve been ironically riffing on for the past couple of weeks in this to keep you engaged. It’s a shot in the dark, but I’m currently assuming you’re all over Night at the Museum right now.  
  
DAVE: oh fuck  
  
Even if I was way off the goddamn base, it’s still an apt movie for you to keep in mind at the moment. There aren’t any secret tricks to keep my babies from flying off the fuckin’ handle, but there are a couple of things you should keep in mind. The first one is that gender is violence and much like the heroic security guard Ben Stiller you should strive to avoid using violence of any sort on your charges, because there are much more effective ways of doing your job. The second is that if there’s a single injury on either of their perfect little heads, I’ll have both of yours and then my own. Consider their safety like the magical tablet thing or whatever Rami Malek was expositing about. It’s critical as hell, you dig? Make sure that they’re safe, and then give this booklet to Karkat.  
  
Dave sighs, and rolls his eyes. He takes down a mental list of everyone and everything in the room. Karkat is still playing with Olivine, who has attached themself like velcro to the mangled cushion. There’s both of the couches, the TV, the turn-tables, which are covered in a child-proofing layer of some kind. Probably to protect the wood from Olivine. There’s a distinct lack of Jadeite anywhere oh no-  
  
DAVE: HOLY SHIT  
KARKAT: WHAT IS IT?  
DAVE: where did jadey go  
  
Much to Dave’s abject terror, he hears a distant tiny burbling from the ominous depths of Dirk’s open basement door, and panic begins to set in. Memories from his childhood surface, specifically the amount of dangerous items his Bro had kept barely out of reach when he was a kid. If Dirk’s private space is anything like that- Dave stops thinking there. Jadeite is still making distant sounds, nothing too distressed, but the time to act is now. Dave rushes down the stairs and scours the basement, eventually finding Jadeite on their back and wiggling their legs in a pile of impressively shitty swords, whimpering and gurgling from the intensity of the light.  
  
Fortunately, every single fucking blade is too unbeliveably shitty to puncture their delicate little body.  
  
DAVE: oh thank stiller that every single blade was so fucking shitty  
DAVE: i dont know what id do if one of them had punctured your delicate little body  
DAVE:  
DAVE: is it too bright down here in this  
DAVE: basement  
DAVE: why is the basement brighter than the rest of the house  
DAVE: hey karkat why is the basement brighter than the rest of the house dude i dont get it  
KARKAT: DAVE, I CAN’T HEAR YOU. COME BACK UPSTAIRS.  
DAVE: right  
  
Dave walks back up the stairs, awkwardly shading Jadeite’s eyes with his cape. He then makes sure to close the door behind him.  
  
DAVE: dude you cant leave the door open  
DAVE: also why is it so bright down there  
KARKAT: OH. I’LL BE MORE CAREFUL IF I NEED TO ALCHEMIZE ANYTHING ELSE.  
DAVE: thank you but also why is it so bright down there and so fu-hecking dark up here  
KARKAT: I’M NOT SURE, DAVE. IT’S ALMOST LIKE TROLL WIGGLERS AND HUMAN IMAGINE WHELPS HAVE DIFFERENT LIGHTING NEEDS, PERHAPS OUR SPECIES EVOLVED WITH DIFFERENT STARS AND INTENSITIES OF LIGHT ON OUR RESPECTIVE HOME PLANETS. HAVE YOU STOPPED TO CONSIDER THAT, HM? MAYBE WE’RE ACTUALLY ENTIRELY ALIEN SPECIES TO EACH OTHER?  
DAVE: yeah kk that makes sense  
DAVE: but uh  
DAVE: can we actually call trolls and humans aliens anymore because like culturally speaking theres basically no difference and like  
DAVE: i think we are more alien to this planet than anybody born here you know  
DAVE: cause we all grew up in like  
DAVE: planets that no longer exist and constellations that mostly dont exist i mean i guess we still have cancer and virgo but  
DAVE: hold up isnt it like pretty fucked up that there are two whole slimer constellations  
KARKAT: NOT REALLY. THERE WERE TWENTY-FOUR ENTIRE LION CONSTELLATIONS ON ALTERNIA, SO TWO MUCUS GHOSTS IS PAR FOR THE LAWNRING BLUEBLOOD COURSE.  
OLIVINE: GRKKR  
KARKAT: OW!  
DAVE: like ok a squiddle and a dog those are relevant enough to the history of this universes creation ill grant that and its objectively hilarious that theres a hat immortalized in the great firmament of the heavens  
DAVE: but goddamn did we need two whole allusions to the ghostbusters franchise in the sky  
DAVE: man im off track like  
KARKAT: FULL OFFENSE, BUT YOU WERE NEVER ON TRACK IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU’VE GOT ONE GOAL TODAY AND IT’S NOT TO CONTEMPLATE THE STAR-PATTERNS IN OUR UNIVERSE. THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT, ALRIGHT? WHAT IS IMPORTANT AT THIS FLIPPING JUNCTURE IS PROVIDING THE ESSENTIAL HUMAN EMOTION KNOWN AS CARE TO THESE ADORABLE, VILE, DELIGHTFUL, TINY MONSTROSITIES.  
  
Unfortunately, Dave has already zoned the fuck out, and managed to mumble his way through literally everything that Karkat just yelled at him. Karkat rolls his eyes and starts tugging the pillow away from Olivine, keeping them engaged with intense and destructive combat on the cutest scale possible. Dave, for his part, is cradling Jadeite in one arm and wiggling his fingers around her pseudopods to entertain them on a base level while his mumbled train of thought goes off the rails and directly into a defunct 7-11, slaughtering nobody in an act of destruction that is as ineffectual as it is baffling.  
  
DAVE: the second set of humans arent technically aliens because this is their planet but like theyre just as foriegn to this as we are  
DAVE: although we werent even technically born on any planet because june had to go and fulfill a paradox regarding our existence  
DAVE: we dont have a home planet no matter how hard we try its just a couple of adopted home planets that we keep hopping to  
DAVE: unless some major shi- crap happens on earth c were gonna outlive it and then what do we take a spaceship with cloning technology and do it again on another planet  
DAVE: what happens when entropy starts to catch up with us  
DAVE: the heat death of the universe will be like yo i heard you managed to violate so many basic laws of physics  
DAVE: id break your kneecaps but that doesnt mean literally anything to you  
DAVE: so instead im gonna slowly take away everything from you its nothing personal bro  
DAVE: and well be like oh shit please dont  
DAVE: like theres gonna be supermassive black holes the size of galaxy and stuff  
DAVE: if a god gets eaten by one of those do they just stay eternally aware and in pain from constantly being crushed to death because unless one of us fu- screws up really badly i cant see collapsed spacetime as either a just or heroic death  
DAVE: or if we evade the inevitable infinite density crunching then do we just wait for every other thing in existence to slowly decay around us until theres just eight older than time humans who have nothing better to do than to talk to each other  
DAVE: and like we also have to watch these kids grow up and theyll be gone hundreds of times over  
DAVE: why are we gods that doesnt make any sense  
DAVE: is it like a big cosmic punishment for having the hubris to try and be strong enough to beat a game  
DAVE: a game that i didnt ever really want to play  
JADEITE: rurbbrrlb  
DAVE: yeah jade jr i hear ya  
DAVE: youre gonna grow up here and itll all make sense to you and you wont have any big uncomfortable questions about your continued cosmic place in the universe as both a god and a millenial cause youll just be a kid with like six hot immortal aunts and uncles  
KARKAT: JEGUS, DAVE!  
KARKAT: CALM THE FU-LIP DOWN!  
DAVE: what do you mean kk i am perfectly calm at the moment  
KARKAT: NO, YOU DEFINITELY AREN’T. I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT YOU ARE DISPLAYING ALL OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF THE DEBILITATING TROLL DISEASE KNOWN AS “GETTING TOTALLY MISTY-EYED”. I CAN PROVE IT TOO.  
KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT WEARING YOUR LAME DUDEBRO SUNGLASSES.  
  
Dave wipes his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. He had been tearing up, and hadn’t even realized it. He’s good at keeping his voice from catching. He talked right through the point where his eyes started to feel weird, not once breaking his facade. Old habits die hard, even when you’re trying to kill them.  
  
He looks down at the wiggler in his arms. They gurgle and roll over. Now that he’s paying attention to this tiny precious life in his arms, his eyes start to mist over again. Karkat drags the pillow Olivine is attached to over to where Dave is sitting and gives him an awkwardly executed but incredibly welcome side hug with one arm. It’s so normal that it’s almost banal at this point. Excepting the tug of war happening besides them, of course.  
  
DAVE: im pretty sure dirk was chopping onions in here  
DAVE: like right before he left  
DAVE: and now the ac has kicked into high gear so its wafting the tear juices around the house like the worlds shittiest potpourri  
KARKAT: I CAN BELIEVE THAT.  
KARKAT: PRETTY MESSED UP HOW HE’D DO THAT RIGHT BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE, AND NOT EVEN DARE TO OFFER US SOME OF HIS FORBIDDEN DICED ONION PRIZE. I’M SO ANGRY ABOUT THIS I COULD CHEW THROUGH HIS COFFEE TABLE LIKE A WOODBEAST.  
DAVE: yeah lets see it then  
KARKAT: I WOULD, BUT WHAT KIND OF EXAMPLE WOULD THAT SET FOR OLIVINE HERE? THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.  
DAVE: now i gotta see you tearing through dirk striders dinky ikea coffee table like a rabid beaver its the one thing i need to die peacefully  
DAVE: youre my best bro you gotta make sure i dont come back as a lame ass victorian ghost cause you were too weak to eat a table  
KARKAT: JOKE’S ON YOU, I’M NEVER LETTING YOU DIE. YOU IDIOT.  
JADEITE: blrlrruuuuu!  
  
Jadeite, noticing both a lull in the conversation and a lack of attention from her father-assigned caretaker, bites one of Dave’s fingers. Dave exclaims in surprise and pain.  
  
DAVE: ow fuck  
  
His attention now totally shifted from his ennui-fueled chill ass meltdown to the wiggler nipping his finger. He takes his finger back from them and sucks on it. Second time today an infant has drawn his blood. He wonders if Dirk is going to train them to fight. He hopes not. Two perfect little puncture marks on his index finger.  
  
DAVE: guess someone is bored of trying to grab uncle daves spider finger hand  
JADEITE: lruuuuuuuuuurlrlr  
DAVE: id check to see if theres something that dirk would want me to do in the event that you bite me  
DAVE: but im gonna do the cool thing and not give a damn  
DAVE: alright jadey im teaching you how to rap  
DAVE: theres like rhythm and poetry and rhyming you gotta rhyme otherwise all of the cool kids are gonna make fun of you because the no matter how good that pulse youre spittin is  
  
The wiggler bites his finger again.  
  
DAVE: ow fuck message recieved  
DAVE: what i mean to say  
DAVE: is that theres rhymes and shit  
DAVE: like some summercamp skit you gotta  
DAVE: knit a fucking sweater out of rhythm and wit  
DAVE: you gotta  
KARKAT: LANGUAGE, DAVE.  
DAVE: FUCK  
DAVE: lemme try again  
  
Dave continues to attempt to freestyle a rap about how to rap but, tragically, with the majority of his language cut out of the picture by the extreme nascence of his audience, the beats are as healthy and chipper as Karkat has heard them; far from the delirious sicknasty standard to which the hero of time so often holds himself. Yet to his credit; Jadeite is urbling and burbling along in a roughly rhythmic fashion for the duration of the performance  
  
Karkat, on the other hand, has taken decisive advantage of the gentle rhythm-babble Dave and Jadeite are laying down by putting Olivine to sleep. He is dismayed to find that they can and will continue to chew on both things and people from beyond the veil of consciousness. Dave has lost track of where he was going in his rapping word-slurry, and is just saying words that rhyme with each other, but an eyeroll from Karkat nudges him to correct his course.  
  
There is a single knock at the door, and Dirk Strider lets himself into his house. Nothing is on fire, which allows him to banish many of the worst case scenarios that were filling his mind. He hears Dave mumbling from the living room, along with Jadeite, and one lovingly sarcastic jab from Karkat.  
  
DAVE: teeny tiny button nose and big weird eyes its olivine  
DAVE: the greatest thing since they invented loafbread slicing crank machines  
DAVE: the suburb dogs get dressed as them for kitschy milquetoast halloween  
DAVE: in the trial of cute there's no dispute she'll beat a cartoon mascot tangerine  
DAVE: so good its fatal and illegal and addictive as good morphine  
DAVE: but theyre just so damn adorable the feds cant pull the guilloti-  
DIRK: ‘Sup.  
  
As soon as Dave becomes aware of Dirk, he freezes mid-syllable and scrambles for his sunglasses. The commotion of the Knight’s Wile E Coyote dash for his eyewear wakes up Olivine, whose ear splitting shriek at being wrested from the gentle arms of the little death causes Jadeite to start crying. Karkat now looks like a deer in the headlights at what he assumes is Dirk’s disapproving glare but is, in reality, a pair of pointy anime shades.  
  
DIRK: OK, hand them over.  
  
Both knights stand and return their respective charges to the single father, who is able to calm them in remarkably short order and without moving a muscle. Dirk subtly ushers the two twenty-somethings to the door and opens it, noting their mortified silence.  
  
DIRK: Dave, did you actually read the care manual?  
DAVE: yeah i got the jist jadeite is soft and perfect and be nice to them and olivine is a little bastard and cannot be trusted but is also perfect somehow  
DIRK: Wrong.  
DIRK: Karkat, did *you* read the care manual?  
KARKAT: ...I READ THE SUBTITLES AND THE CHAPTER INTRODUCTIONS AND REFERENCED THEM WHEN ANYTHING CAME UP BUT THEY WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME FORTY-FIVE HUMAN MINUTES TO READ.  
DIRK: Correct.  
DIRK: Jadeite, Olivine, say goodbye to Uncle Karkat.  
JADEITE: blllrboobollblbul  
OLIVINE: KARK  
DIRK: Very good, you two.  
DAVE: wait can uncle dave get a goodbye i love them  
DIRK: Dave. In light of what I can only assume is a persistent inability to refrain from using foul language in the company of my children, I have taken the liberty of scheduling child care classes for you, scheduled during a time at which I know you to be consistently free of other responsibilities.  
DIRK: Do you promise to attend them?  
DAVE: ugh fine yes but also i wanna hold jadeite again  
DIRK: You have to hold both of them if you want to hold Jadeite again.  
DAVE: gimme  
DIRK: Alright, Olivine, Jadeite, say goodbye to Uncle Dave.  
KARKAT: HEY WAIT WHY DO YOU KNOW DAVE’S SCHEDULE?  
JADEITE: bbbblllllrlrrrrrlrrbblrblrlrrblrr  
  
Instead of letting off another one of their trademark guttural shouts, Olivine bites Dave. He begins to tear up, partially from the pain, but also because he really is just so goddamn happy right now.  
  
DIRK: Dave, please stop letting Olivine bite you, it's a bad habit.  
DAVE: i just love them so fucking much dirk  
  
Dirk gives an awkward nod and lets out a suspiciously long sigh. Karkat curtly takes the two wigglers from Dave and hands them back to Dirk.  
  
DIRK: Thank you, Karkat.  
DIRK: Get home safe, you two. Goodnight.  
DAVE: dude its like six pm  
KARKAT: YEAH AND SEVEN THIRTY IS THEIR BEDTIME, YOU DUNCE.  
DAVE: ok but his bedtime isnt  
DIRK: My bedtime is eight. Goodnight.  
  
The door closes, but the goofy smile on Dave's face does not fade.  
  
DAVE: dude i have to go to those classes  
KARKAT: I KNOW, DAVE.  
DAVE: dude i HAVE to go to those classes  
KARKAT: I KNOW, DAVE. <3


End file.
